I hate to be what I call a ‘negative ninny’.

I loathe people who are consistently negative in their outlook on life, and aside from the occasional rant, for the most part, I post positive things.

Things that make me smile, that I want to share, things that are exciting and out of the ordinary.

Or hot guys. Because hey, everybody likes a hottie.

But right now I am struggling.

I wish that somehow this emotional rollercoaster was a surefire pathway to quick weight loss, but alas no.

I have forced the emotional rollercoaster to stop.

I have stopped communicating with my brother.

The last decade has been hard, I try to reinitiate some kind of communication, and well, he bites the hand that feeds the communication.

So I am done.

I am an only child.

But, I did find a sister, another sister and a brother. We share a father, and for what it’s worth, we get along fine. So I’m not really an only child, even though I am.

The other positive to have come out of this is that I am measurably closer to my cousins and my aunt in Holland.

They lost their father to cancer two years ago, and since I contacted them two weeks ago when the proverbial poo hit the fan, they, particularly the elder cousin who is 5 years older than me, has been a tower of emotional support. Several facebook messages, sms and emails ensued. Always there. Always supportive, always encouraging.

Trying to get on with daily life on the other hand is proving, problematic.

I do not feel like I am in mourning, but a line has been crossed somewhere a ‘before I lost a parent’ and an ‘after I lost a parent’ line has been drawn in the invisible sand, and I have crossed it.

I am older than I have ever been in my life.

The thought of that makes my limbs feel like lead.

Every breath that I take is an effort.

Trying to work, is hard. It has to be done, but it’s hard.

I should be putting good body fuel into my body.

Fresh fruit, vegetables, crisp healthy things.

But I can’t be arsed to cook. I make sure that the kids are fed, throw something together for the hubby and then proceed to stuff my face with the most unsuitable rubbish imaginable. It doesn’t help, I know this and yet I don’t seem to care.

This morning, in between doing some work, I was surfing for apartments in Leiden, Holland.

1 bedroom apartments to be exact.

What exactly am I doing?

I don’t exactly know, but the desire to run away from my life, with nothing but my camera and a laptop has become very, very attractive.

I suppose I imagine I’m running away, to reconnect with family.

But hello! I already have one that needs me here.

Which leaves me, in the words of Hugh Grant, in Notting Hill…

“Well…buggered.”

Possibly Related Posts:

• Say Hello To My Little Friend
• When You Can’t Even Trust Your Own Head
• All Good to go
• Living in the wrong time zone or am i just on Mars?
• I’m Throwing a Pity Party! You’re All Invited!